


Someday

by ariella884



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s02e25 Resolutions, Post-Resolutions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-23 03:55:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12498196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariella884/pseuds/ariella884
Summary: ...right now, for tonight, she desperately wants to allow the layers of the uniform to fall away. She wants to give Kathryn a chance to surface, even if only for a short time.





	Someday

**Author's Note:**

> This is my attempt at a post-Resolutions story. I imagine that no matter what did or didn't happen on New Earth, it was very difficult for Kathryn to move on.
> 
> Thanks again to Helen8462 for the beta...although I made some changes since then, so as usual, mistakes are all me! Hope you enjoy!

“Commander, you have the bridge.” She turns quickly and heads into her ready room, the need to get away being too intense to ignore. Over the past hour or so, all the feelings she has been trying to push aside have wrecked havoc on her control. She can’t pretend anymore. She can’t pretend that she’s over it, that she’s over him. Thoughts of what could have been are plaguing her mind and her control has now completely run out. 

_________________________________

The rampant emotions started about a week after their return to Voyager. She had been coping relatively well; buried in her work, without time to allow her thoughts to wander. Then her days began to slow and her mind began to drift. The single worst thing about the calm is that it gives her time to think about things that are better left in the past.

Her memories of their last few months on New Earth had been dangerously close to the surface already, but now they have wrestled through her self control. She sees his warm smile, hears his infectious laughter, and smells his woodsy scent. The day she acknowledged, even if forced by nature, that they were in their forever home, that she was done obsessing over finding a cure, became the day that ultimately changed things between herself and Chakotay. She had finally given herself permission to feel more than she was able to over the last three years. She had allowed herself to be Kathryn again, not just the Captain. And what Kathryn wanted was to explore all of those long buried emotions. She wanted to live her life in the best possible way; loved and wanted.

On New Earth, she found a freedom that had been missing for years. She found herself enjoying life again, instead of running and fearing for it. She let long erected walls tumble down around her, and he was right there waiting for her. She remembers the night so clearly. What a started as a discussion about parameters for their relationship ended with a beautiful story about an angry warrior. At that moment, as tears slid down her face, she could no longer hold back all she was feeling. He felt it too, she could see it in his eyes. She walked over to him, brushed her fingers over his cheek and drew her lips to his. 

The next day, their lives changed. Again. She should have been happy that they were going back to Voyager, thrilled to don her uniform again. But as she applied the pips to her collar, a feeling of overwhelming sorrow filled her. It was time to say goodbye to the Kathryn she had become and replace her, yet again, with the Captain. She allowed a solitary tear to escape, then wiped her face and straightened her shoulders, and promised herself that she would bury everything that he had awoken in her. For the good of her crew, she walked away from their blissful but momentary life on New Earth.

_________________________________

Now, a month after they had left New Earth, she can’t hold the emotions in any longer. Gradually, she has been spending more and more time alone and has feared that someone has noticed, but she knows it’s only a matter of time before everything explodes around her. She can’t let it happen in front of anyone, in front of him.

Alone in her ready room, she allows herself this one moment of release. She sets the security lock, and gives in to rush of emotions and memories. Thoughts of his eyes, his smile, the dimples that rip at her heart. The way he’s always by her side, and how she always feels his eyes on her no matter where they are. His hands….

_Oh, god! His hands! ___

____

____

She has had a secret obsession with those hands ever since she felt them molding over shoulders and deep into her muscles trying to relieve the knots from a hard day’s work. She has dreams about what they could do elsewhere on her body.

_But that’s over. We can’t be what we were on New Earth._

____

____

What she doesn’t know how to do is turn off the desires that were sparked during their time together. She can’t deny what she feels now; what she has been feeling for years if she is honest with herself. While on New Earth she had allowed both love and passion to rise in herself and now that’s she had a taste of it, she can’t let it go. 

She can’t forget the first touch of his lips on hers, his arms circling her waist, drawing her into his embrace. She remembers the feel of his hands combing through the length of her hair, the race of his heart beneath her hands, and warmth of his breath mingling with hers. It was a moment that seemed to have lasted an eternity, but now it was one that was far too fleeting. They thought they had the rest of their lives and could take things slow. Had she known it was all to end the very next day...

Tears fall from her eyes, an attempt to extinguish all thoughts of him. The promise that she had made herself is being threatened; a promise she fears she never had any chance of honoring. Her love for this man is overpowering her resolve. 

She walks over to her desk, trying desperately to remove him from her mind and concentrate on work. She had hoped by keeping both of them busy there would be less chance of conversation between them, less interaction. She knows she can’t avoid him forever, but maybe just long enough to move past all that she is feeling. She can pull herself back together; she has to.

___________________________________

Hours later, she finally releases herself from her duty. It’s late, so she considers it safe to forgo her usual replicated meal in her room. She can feel the emptiness in her stomach and is praying that Neelix has left her something to eat. And coffee, of course. She hesitates, fears of running into him enter her mind, then forces herself to relax as there is no way he will be there at this hour. Unlike her, he is always one to end work at a decent time.

Walking into the mess, she is surprised to find one of the lights still on. Thinking nothing more of it, she walks around the counter and finds exactly what she was hoping for; coffee in a thermos and a small salad. She knows Neelix does this on purpose when he finds that she is still working when he stops for the night. Not that she would ever admit it to anyone, but she did somewhat miss his overprotectiveness while away.

Taking her spoils with her, she moves over to find her favorite seat on the sofa facing the viewport, looking forward to curling her legs up under her and having a quiet meal. Rounding the corner of the galley, she stops suddenly, noticing a figure sitting in her place. She pushes down a bit of anger at having her plans ruined so late at night. She turns slightly, deciding instead to head back to her quarters with her meal. That’s when she hears him. She didn’t even notice it was him sitting there in the dark, but his voice is one that she will never mistaken.

“I didn’t realize how much I missed the view. I never tire of seeing the stars streaking past.” His words are soft, almost melancholy. She can hear the sadness in his voice; sees it in his dejected posture. Slightly slouched, his legs resting on the front table, his shoulders sagging forward. She thinks she has never quite seen him this way before, even on the planet, with as comfortable as they became around each other.

Not ready to face being alone with him, she feels an overwhelming urge to run out the door, but instead finds herself walking slowly towards him. It’s almost as if she is subconsciously drawn to him. She moves to sit next to him, first placing the items in her hand on the small table in front of her. She curls her legs under her, her body turned ever so faintly towards his. She can feel his even breaths next to her and immediately realizes how bad of an idea this is. She should have left when she had the chance, but now, it’s too late. He will know something is bothering her if she leaves now.

She attempts to keep the conversation as mundane as possible, “I know what you mean. There’s nothing like this view. It makes me catch my breath every time.” She lets out a quiet sigh and moves to grab her coffee.

A deep sigh rises from his chest, then he adds, “I miss the view from New Earth even more though.” 

She feels him turn his head towards her, his eyes glaring into her. She knows he isn’t talking about the sky, and fights the compulsion to look at him, knowing what she will find. Those intense eyes, penetrating straight into her soul, reading her every thought, every desire. She can’t let him see it, but she finds she isn’t strong enough to resist. What she wants more than anything in this moment is to be back on that planet. To leave behind the Captain and return to being just Kathryn. His Kathryn.

She rolls her head to the side and looks into the depth of his eyes. “Me too.” She allows herself this one respite, this one last opportunity to be buried under his gaze. It’s taking every ounce of her willpower not to throw herself into his arms, to bury her face in his neck just once more.

The smell of him permeates her senses, taking her right back to that little planet she had once regarded as home. She will never be able to be near him again without those memories returning. She doesn’t know how things will ever be the same as before New Earth, she only hopes that they will be able to play their parts as Captain and Commander well enough that one day that is truly all they are again. But right now, for tonight, she desperately wants to allow the layers of the uniform to fall away. She wants to give Kathryn a chance to surface, even if only for a short time.

Having both conveyed their unspoken and forbidden thoughts, they move into quiet conversation. Not about work or duty. Not even about the crew. They talk of their hopes and dreams. They recall their time on New Earth, allowing themselves this single moment of repose. She doesn’t remember when it happened or even how, but she finds herself leaning into side, his arms enveloping her. She can feel his breath whispering through her hair, and his heart beating in sync with hers. Feelings of warmth and love surround her as she feels a peace inside that has been missing for too long.

“Kathryn?” His voice is soft and inviting.

“Hmmm.” 

“I’ve missed you.”

She can’t hold back the moisture that has settled in her eyes and feels the wetness begin to cover her cheeks. She makes no move to wipe it away. “I’ve missed you too, Chakotay. More than I should probably admit.”

She turns her face up towards his, not allowing their bodies to disconnect from one another. She sees the despair in his eyes, and realizes for the first time since they left New Earth, that she is not alone in her mourning. They suffer together and, for a moment, she wonders if the rules and regulations are truly worth all the anguish they are putting themselves through. 

His hand raises to push a few stray locks of hair behind her ear, then settles on her cheek. She leans her head into his touch, wishing things could be different than they are. 

“Do you ever wonder what could have been?” He asks softly, wanting desperately to know that he isn’t alone in his thoughts. “What our lives would have been like had they not come back for us?”

“We would have been happy. Together.” She says it with a confidence that surprises even herself. But she knows it to be true, they would have been. She knows now that no amount of time will change how she feels; he has set up permanent residence in her heart. 

He gives her a smile that melts away all her fears. “Maybe....maybe someday we still could be.” It isn’t a question. And there is no answer she can give except for one. She moves her lips towards his. Their kiss is light, tender, but so full of hope. It’s an unspoken promise, one that she will do everything in her power to make happen. 

“Someday, Chakotay. I want our someday.”

They sit silently after that, still tightly embraced, all tension and unease erased from between them. Moving into the future, she knows she will be better able to handle the feelings that will undoubtedly continue to surface. Knowing that he feels the same gives her hope. Knowing that they will get their chance, gives her strength. They will get home, back to Earth. And when they do, she knows that they will finally have their someday.


End file.
